I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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