Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
