And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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