I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
