Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
