she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
