Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
