How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
my being single is dangerous.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
