i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
