There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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