matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
