Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
