I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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