final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
