2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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