I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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