grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
