Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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