I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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