Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
