Fuck appropriateness.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
