Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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