Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
