Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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