I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
