i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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