You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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