I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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