How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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