dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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