My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
