i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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