he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
