You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
