guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She's the barista slut.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
