Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
