I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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