Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
