??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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