apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
They have beer where we have blood.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
