You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
You can't motorboat a personality
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
