then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
