Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
