dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
