census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
