I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
