I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
