why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
