i was born a porn star she said
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
