it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
