Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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