Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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