My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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