Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
