my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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