we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
