I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
