i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
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