He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
