I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
