So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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