I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
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Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
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Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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