I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
