I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Randomize
