she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
