my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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